Yeah. So….there’s that. Let me start off by saying: babies are a wonderful gift from God.* Believe me, I know; I have 2 of them already. I was just hoping to STOP at 2. But apparently my uterus was like, “naw, we’re good, let’s go again!” Of course there have been lots of emotions over the past few weeks. Like, all of them. But I’m not here to rehash it all; I’m basically just here to announce the news to you.
And to poke fun at myself a little.
*If any of this subject is trigger-y for you, you might want to go ahead and skip this post. I would never, ever want to make anyone feel uncomfortable or hurt anyone’s feelings. I know how emotional babies/trying to conceive/pregnancies/etc are and I don’t want to diminish anyone’s feelings. Right now, for me, the best solution to a very unexpected, unplanned pregnancy is humor. So, that’s how I’m choosing to cope with this massive shock.
SO, here is a very helpful list I have put together for those of you ladies who still value your youth, good looks, and sense of humor. Read it closely and pay attention, lest you want to end up like me- the old lady who lived in the shoe.
What NOT to do if you don’t want to end up pregnant:
1. Join a gym. Don’t do it. Joining a gym will make you look good. Looking good will give you confidence. Confidence makes you do things like buy pretty black nightgowns.
2. Do NOT buy pretty black nightgowns. Just don’t. Just go ahead and stay away from any and all black undergarments. Unless it’s granny panties. Those are perfectly acceptable. And welcomed.
3. Don’t read fanfic. Reading fanfic will only put ideas in your head and give you thoughts like, “hmm. I could try that!”
4. Don’t install a shower speaker. Listening to Ed Sheeran and shaking your booty while you soap up can only lead to one place: Preggosville. If you must listen to music while you shower, I recommend Hanson. Or Church Lady Hits, Vol.1.
5. Avoid wine. All alcohol, really. When your husband gives you that knowing look and offers to refill your wineglass, JUST SAY NO. Let’s keep those inhibitions alive and kicking, ladies.
6. And lastly and most importantly, when your husband gets a vasectomy and the doctor’s assistant says, “nah, you don’t need to get your sperm count tested- just wait a month or so and you’ll be fine“, DO NOT LISTEN. Run, don’t walk, to your nearest urologist and get those puppies tested!!!
So, there it is. There’s the news. A few details- the baby is due January 20th (very close to Cassidy’s birthday!). Yes, I’m sick, just like every time before, unfortunately. Yes, we’re happy. After the initial shock faded and the dollar signs stopped dancing before our eyes (we’ll have to buy a new car and relocate Joel’s home office to the garage, and hello, THREE college tuitions…), all that’s left is happiness. I mean, yeah, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night thinking, “AAHDKGKGDPPTTKJJJTTKAPPTTTTIIIII’MPREGNANTHOLYCRAP“, but you know, that’s normal, right? I guess? Anyway, thanks in advance for your thoughts, prayers, and good vibes. We’re gonna need ’em.